At the risk of trying humor at a solemn time, it's the best medicine for some...so with that.
Confidence...
The Mad Dog walks into a Philly pub and bellies up to the bar, close to an attractive, bored looking woman ( I know...Philly and attractive is an oxymoron ).
He fiddles with his wrist and gets the attention of the Philly filly. What cha got there,she asks?
Oh...it's my newer Apple watch. It does everything, even communicates telepathically and feeds me info on people.
Hmmm, says she. Well...I'm right next to you, what does this new wonder watch say about me?
TMD looks at the watch and says...welp...you're not wearing any panties.
Her eyes widen, and she smirks...uh huh. Well your watch is wrong, as a matter of fact I am wearing panties.
TMD looks at the watch again, taps it and says...oops.sorry...it's an hour fast.
Buy you a drink?
I was actually thinking about starting an anecdote/funny story thread. Good idea! Here's one that always cracks me up:
A Bad Day
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-hole, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
This dad was about to leave the house when he passed by his son Jake’s room, he was astonished to see everthing was off the floor and the bed was even nicely made. Then, he quickly noticed an envelope, propped up on the pillow. It was addressed on the front with, ‘Dad’. Very nervous, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with hands trembling…
“Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sadness that I’m writing you. But I had to elope with my new girlfriend Tracy, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom . I’ve been finding real passion with Tracy. She is so kind, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s (she has six!), tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is ten years older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Tracy said that we will be very happy living together. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Not only that she has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Tracy can get better. She sure deserves it! So Don’t worry, I’m 16, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Jake. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I went with Todd to Target to get some video games. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that’s on the kitchen table. Call me when it is safe for me to return home
A lesbian couple I know dropped by the other day to bring me a gift. I opened it, and inside the box was a really nice watch. I said to them "What a great gift, ladies, but what I said was 'I wanna watch.'"
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
This dog comes walking into a barn. There are two horses standing in a stall watching him.
The dog walks over to the two horses and says, “Hey, you guys know where I can get a bite to eat?”
The one horse turns to the other and says, “Hey…check it out…a talkin’ dog!”
HAHAHA!!!
These are really good, you guys!
Three men at the Golf Clubhouse were desperately looking for another person to fill out their foursome since one member had decided to leave. He left because one of the group just grated him the wrong way. You see, one of the group is very competitive, and he holds the unofficial title of Speaker of The Group, and he won't allow just any schmuck like Rico to come in and ruin their good score. The other two tolerate Speaker since he's an old friend, and he will - on occasion - buy a round or two after a particularly good day, but it's a tense situation.
To that end, in walks NYC4jags and he asks if he can join their group as he's new in town and has no one to play with. By default it would seem, Speaker lays down the group's expectations and explain to NYC that if his game is not up to par, or if he makes them miss a tee time, he will be summarily dismissed and mean words will be written about him on the internet! Speaker will tolerate no guff nor poppycock when it comes to his golf!
NYC graciously agrees to their rules but makes a curious question and follow on qualifier. He asks "What time will we start?" Speaker states gruffly "We start every Saturday and Sunday morning, right here, 7:00 sharp!"
"Hmmm" says NYC, "that works, but I may be ten to 15 minutes late depending on the day."
"Hey! The start time is 7:00! You be here, and you be ready!" Says Speaker, trying to channel his inner Vince Lombardi that really just makes him come across as old, and crotchety, but whatever.
So Saturday at 7:00 sharp, NYC turns the corner in the clubhouse and the new foursome takes the Links. NYC starts off and smashes his first drive. In fact, he smashes the entire course. Drives, chips, putts, everything is on point and he is the easy leader. The remainder of the foursome are very pleased with their new addition but the Speaker will not be so easily swayed. He gives a compliment sparingly and asks if he plans on showing up tomorrow.
Unfazed, NYC states, with a smirk on his face "I'll see you guys tomorrow morning at 7:00 sharp, but I just may be ten to 15 minutes late."
"Hey, you did real good today, but if you make us late tomorrow, you're out! I know how you young guys don't like getting up early like us real men do." Now, the other two were willing to have some leniency towards the new guy, but they didn't say anything.
Sunday morning, 7:00, same routine. NYC is on time, and he's on point. Only thing is, he does everything left handed. This is so curious that one of the other three approaches him and asks "didn't you play yesterday with your right hand?"
"Sure did" replies NYC, "but today I'm going Lefty." He continues to dominate the course and the field. Just an unreal performance and the other three can't believe their luck. Even Speaker has warmed to NYC for he again was the group leader and posted the best score of the day!
After two to seven Gin and Tonics, Speaker asks NYC about his ambidextrous ability. "Well" he says "I find that when I wake up in morning, if my wife is laying on her right side then I use my right hand that day for golf. If she's on her left side, then I shoot left handed. It's never let me down."
"Hmm" says Speaker "but what if she's laying on her back when you get up? Do you just make the choice yourself?"
"Nope!" he replies "Remember when I asked what time the tee time is?"
"Yesssss" says Speaker with a little doubt in his voice. "Why?"
"Well, when I wake up and she's on her back, that's when I'll be ten to 15 minutes late."
Hiking
A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked.
"It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
"Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Goldberg from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"!
This man and his wife are on a vacation in Florida. They decided to play a round of golf. They came up on this particularly difficult hole with a sharp dogleg left on a tree lined fairway.
The guy decides he’s going to try to play a draw around the corner of the fairway, but make a bad swing and overhooks the ball into the woods. He finds his ball but it’s about five feet from a utility shed where the grounds crew kept their equipment.
His wife says, “I guess you’ll just have to punch back out into the fairway.”
To which he replies, “Well, if I open the doors on both sides of this shed I think I can play through it and hit the green. What the hell, I think I’m going to try it.”
So he opens up the doors. Lines up his shot. Takes a good cut at the ball. But, unfortunately, it clangs off of a support beam…ricochets back…then hits his wife squarely between the eyes and kills her on the spot.
A couple of years later, this guy in Florida and is playing the same course. He’s by himself so they pair him up with a stranger. They come to the same hole and he hits the exact same tee shot into the woods. He decides to try the same shot through the shed again.
As he’s lining up to take his shot, he suddenly steps away…sweating profusely…and takes a deep breath. He gets back up to hit again and he just can’t pull the trigger.
The stranger that he’s paired up with says, “Are you OK buddy?”
He says, “I was playing here a couple of years ago and something awful happened to me on this very hole.”
The stranger responds, “Oh my God, please tell me about it.”
He says, “It was terrible. I got a triple-bogey.’
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, "My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars." The Consul continued, "In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150 dollars".
George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars."
"No, it's not that," says George.
"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected.
I ain't takin no chances!"
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but
what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey'...... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
"So--- Here I am!"