Wow, long time no see Gabe!

Indeed, eh? I left my job of 8 years last Friday, taking a week to adjust before going 100% forward with GrassLands

 

Saw this cringe-inducing thread and thought I'd offer some advice from experience

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I'll play you in ping pong. 

Uggh...good news is that this can be salvaged.


Sounds like a fling to me, but if you address it, acknowledge your insecurities and your concerns, your open communicative marriage can only improve. Radical changes in behavior without communication or veiled communication aren't great indicators for relationship health.

You're a better man than me. I will, and have, tolerated and worked through problems and differences in my marriage but one thing I will not stand for is infidelity. That is sacred in my book and any instance will be met with an unblinking divorce decree.

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We will have a talk tonight. She knows I have suspicion

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We will have a talk tonight. She knows I have suspicion

 

Regarding your situation, here's my take....

 

Society has the mass assumption that its "dudes" that are the predominant side that cannot stay faithful in a relationship.....well, the way I see it, women are just as apt to have this sort of behavior as well, if not more so. 

 

Like someone stated earlier...on "guys day/ night out" they generally do something together like play golf/ bowling/ go watch a sporting event, or what not...

 

On "girls night out" they doll themselves up, go out to clubs/ bars boozing and trolling/ flirting and engage potential sex partners. While in most cases, nothing becomes of it..., their actions open the door for the potential of something to happen, such as a "fling". 

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Good luck! I am sad for you reading this thread and hope you are able to get answers and move forward.

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"History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed."
;
- B.C. Forbes

We will have a talk tonight. She knows I have suspicion

 

Good luck BigJag. Hopefully we are all wrong with our suspicions. 

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Good luck BigJag. Hopefully we are all wrong with our suspicions. 

 

I think that is very unlikely

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Unfortunately I think that the outcome will not be to my liking

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Unfortunately I think that the outcome will not be to my liking

 

How long have you been at your new place??

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You're a better man than me. I will, and have, tolerated and worked through problems and differences in my marriage but one thing I will not stand for is infidelity. That is sacred in my book and any instance will be met with an unblinking divorce decree.

I understand your perspective, it's an extreme betrayal of trust - but in most cases, there's an underlying issue to cause said infidelity to happen...and recovering from such a fiasco can be the hardest thing, emotionally, anyone has to deal with in their life.

 

It is workable, though it's kinda like looking at a broken mirror that's been fixed. It's never the same again. The bond can be stronger, but what your life was before will never be like that again. Both people have to be on the same page to put the action(s) behind them and move forward in a positive direction, that's a given.

 

Unfortunately I think that the outcome will not be to my liking

 

 Go into it with emotional level-headedness, buddy. Know it won't be easy, but let her know how these actions have been making you feel. Don't be accusatory, just explain how this is a drastic shift that is causing concerns and insecurity on your end. If you've got a strong level of communication between you two, it's likely that she'll come around and be honest. Really, it's the dishonesty that hurts most in the end. The action (if it's happened) is dirt on the cake, to be sure, but you've gotta know yourself going in.

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I'll play you in ping pong. 

I understand your perspective, it's an extreme betrayal of trust - but in most cases, there's an underlying issue to cause said infidelity to happen...and recovering from such a fiasco can be the hardest thing, emotionally, anyone has to deal with in their life.

 

It is workable, though it's kinda like looking at a broken mirror that's been fixed. It's never the same again. The bond can be stronger, but what your life was before will never be like that again. Both people have to be on the same page to put the action(s) behind them and move forward in a positive direction, that's a given.

 

 

 Go into it with emotional level-headedness, buddy. Know it won't be easy, but let her know how these actions have been making you feel. Don't be accusatory, just explain how this is a drastic shift that is causing concerns and insecurity on your end. If you've got a strong level of communication between you two, it's likely that she'll come around and be honest. Really, it's the dishonesty that hurts most in the end. The action (if it's happened) is dirt on the cake, to be sure, but you've gotta know yourself going in.

 

Dang, I miss having you around here Gabe.

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I'm trying to make myself more informed and less opinionated.

Stop saying whatever stupid thing you're talking about and pay attention to all the interesting things I have to say!

Gabe is absolutely 100% correct, anything is fixable if both parties agree they WANT it to work. It'll never be the "same" again but it's certainly not the kiss of death many make it. Don't get me wrong I don't fault anyone for walking away when a spouse has gone outside the marriage, especially if you don't have any kids involved.

 

But the people I know that have gone through something like this and chose to stay together and work it out, they have the strongest marriages of anyone I know.

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I understand your perspective, it's an extreme betrayal of trust - but in most cases, there's an underlying issue to cause said infidelity to happen.....

 

lol.....reminds me of that line in Harry Met Sally: ".....well that symptom is [BAD WORD REMOVED] my wife"  

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Dang, I miss having you around here Gabe.

Hah! I've been understandably AWOL for some time now, but I'm in full-time GrassLands prep mode (meaning I left my job of 8 years last Friday), so I've got a little more free time to spend joshing with you animals. 

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I'll play you in ping pong. 

 

 Go into it with emotional level-headedness, buddy. Know it won't be easy, but let her know how these actions have been making you feel. Don't be accusatory, just explain how this is a drastic shift that is causing concerns and insecurity on your end. If you've got a strong level of communication between you two, it's likely that she'll come around and be honest. Really its the dishonesty that hurts the most in the end
. The action (if it's happened) is dirt on the cake, to be sure, but you've gotta know yourself going in.

 

 

This whole paragraph is spot on but especially emphasize the highlighted part. 

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This whole paragraph is spot on but especially emphasize the highlighted part. 

Yeah, from experience, it's what keeps one up at night. Initially, it's the not knowing and the suspicion that something is going on. When it all comes to a head, it's the lack of your partner's integrity and respect for you and your relationship that carries the most weight. That and there's plenty of self-blame/doubt to go around too. It's easy as hell to slip into a regretful mindset and continuously live in the past. 

 

But as I said, if you want your marriage to survive, she has to as well. Right now, she might not be in that frame of mind (see the definition of infatuation) to do so right now, but that doesn't mean she won't be eventually once the guilt & regret settle in deep. That's when the repair can begin to occur - whereas you both work on your healing, and the overall strengthening of the relationship by fixing what was broken to begin with. In the lasting words of someone I know: "It's unfortunately a good thing that this happened."

 

My best piece of advice: get a therapist for you and another for both of you when the time is right. 

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I'll play you in ping pong. 

Hah! I've been understandably AWOL for some time now, but I'm in full-time GrassLands prep mode (meaning I left my job of 8 years last Friday), so I've got a little more free time to spend joshing with you animals. 

 

Please don't use my name in vain.

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First off I really, from the bottom of my heart mean this, want to thank you all for your kind words and support. It makes my appreciation for my fellow Jags fans go far beyond what I could have imagined. Next time I'm in Jacksonville the drinks are on me in whatever way possible to show my appreciation. Also as you can see, this post is lengthy. I later wrote this part in to warn you, there is no TL;DR version as at the moment it's doing a great job helping me get a lot of my chest. 

 

Now for the finale since this has been, as some said, the epic thread of the year. Heck probably the most I've ever posted in the past year. 

 

So basically wife went out Friday, had a good time, hit it off with her lady friend. She invited her out again on Saturday and basically they went full date mode and ended the night with a "kiss" which she swears was all. From that point she met this girl 2 more times and there would appear to be some sort of connection. She says its partly that, but the thrilling part is the feeling of independence from it all. No responsibility for our son and the life we've built. We've been together since high school so I can totally imagine what that experience would be like because honestly, it sounds awesome. 

 

From that point she caught on that I suspected and decided to come clean today. The biggest thing is out the way, now I know. Half of me is devastated and at the moment, hates her. The other half of me totally wants this to work and I lean more towards that. We've fought through MANY MANY tough things in life literally from near poverty in murrica' standards to having a reasonably successful life. We've separated twice, we've built up a nice life when younger and lost literally everything due to my having job layoffs. It is literally one of the ultimate success stories because all the naysayers were proved wrong. On top of it all, we adopted a kid. 

 

But in the end the thing that sucks the most is that I begged, pleaded, commanded, unshamefully admit that I bawled my eyes out to her and told her this is the only time that I will ever put myself through this to fight for her. Yet, she still is completely 50/50 on whether or not to fix our stuff, or "see" where it goes with this chick. I bared my soul and laid it ALL out there to her and after that, she still can't decide. That hurts, bad. 

 

At this point. It's time to man up. It is what it is. At the end of the day the bill collectors don't care bout yo' problems and you gotta get up and go to work, I got the sappy lovey stuff out the way turning into a babbling baby. She meets the chick tomorrow to discuss further, I have to get through this weekend because my son celebrates his 10th birthday and we have family driving up from GA. The impact this is going to have is going to be devastating, the least I can do is suck it up for him. After that, she has to decide. there is an ultimatum in place. This way I can make arrangements to transfer due to the WORST fact that we work for the same company and in my position I would have to interact with her. 

 

Because I'm sure you all finding this to be a fantastic story and I appreciate the fact that your heart goes out to me, I'm glad it was a chick and not a dude. For those wondering, I did try to bring up the whole 3-way thing because yolo? That didn't go in my favor but hey I tried to run with it! In some ways I found it to be.....how do I put this in the pg version.......interesting? With her to do it with a dude is easy to comprehend. With a chick is a whole different plane of emotions. The root thing is that she did what she did. Knowing her because she has always made these destructive type decisions before we got together, she will decide to pursue this. She will be in for a rude awakening then. 

 

I look at life like this. How can one really enjoy life without experiencing things like love, heartbreak, blissful infatuation, rage, envy, etc. It's weird because I took to heart Gus Bradley's message about just focusing on getting better everyday. By adopting that message and also living life uncomfortable is a life worth living, I was able to quickly work up into the position I am in and be that rock. I can use this the same way, I'll come out a better person for having experienced it. I thought I found the love of my life, the person I would have bled and died for. Maybe it's not meant to be though, and now I accept that. I accept the fact that this is just another challenge that life throws at you, you can either grab the brass ring or you can curl up in the fetal position as FBT famously says. 

 

Please forgive me if you have made it this far, I may or may not have partook in a few drinks to help numb the emotions. Don't worry, I'm not a violent person, sober or drunk. I wish I had more to say because I feel like I have to, but there isn't really anything to say. I will know what has been decided on Monday hopefully after our family leaves. From there I have potential transfer opportunities available, will need to figure out how to go through the process of separating everything, and move on to the next phase of my life. 

 

I'd be cool with J-ville if my company had an office there. But they don't and a 30 year old whose pursuing his Bachelors but no degree besides a GED due to the fact that I've sacrificed everything for this girl, will not get an ideal job to support myself and a kid. 

 

Ok from there I'm good to go, again I appreciate your support (even the "I'm a total dude and you got no cajones" posters that posted) and I'll be happy to share my progress from later on. 

---

What do you guys think? Should I fight for it? 

---

Regarding your situation, here's my take....

 

Society has the mass assumption that its "dudes" that are the predominant side that cannot stay faithful in a relationship.....well, the way I see it, women are just as apt to have this sort of behavior as well, if not more so. 

 

Like someone stated earlier...on "guys day/ night out" they generally do something together like play golf/ bowling/ go watch a sporting event, or what not...

 

On "girls night out" they doll themselves up, go out to clubs/ bars boozing and trolling/ flirting and engage potential sex partners. While in most cases, nothing becomes of it..., their actions open the door for the potential of something to happen, such as a "fling". 

 

 

First off I really, from the bottom of my heart mean this, want to thank you all for your kind words and support. It makes my appreciation for my fellow Jags fans go far beyond what I could have imagined. Next time I'm in Jacksonville the drinks are on me in whatever way possible to show my appreciation. Also as you can see, this post is lengthy. I later wrote this part in to warn you, there is no TL;DR version as at the moment it's doing a great job helping me get a lot of my chest. 

 

Now for the finale since this has been, as some said, the epic thread of the year. Heck probably the most I've ever posted in the past year. 

 

So basically wife went out Friday, had a good time, hit it off with her lady friend. She invited her out again on Saturday and basically they went full date mode and ended the night with a "kiss" which she swears was all. From that point she met this girl 2 more times and there would appear to be some sort of connection. She says its partly that, but the thrilling part is the feeling of independence from it all. No responsibility for our son and the life we've built. We've been together since high school so I can totally imagine what that experience would be like because honestly, it sounds awesome. 

 

From that point she caught on that I suspected and decided to come clean today. The biggest thing is out the way, now I know. Half of me is devastated and at the moment, hates her. The other half of me totally wants this to work and I lean more towards that. We've fought through MANY MANY tough things in life literally from near poverty in murrica' standards to having a reasonably successful life. We've separated twice, we've built up a nice life when younger and lost literally everything due to my having job layoffs. It is literally one of the ultimate success stories because all the naysayers were proved wrong. On top of it all, we adopted a kid. 

 

But in the end the thing that sucks the most is that I begged, pleaded, commanded, unshamefully admit that I bawled my eyes out to her and told her this is the only time that I will ever put myself through this to fight for her. Yet, she still is completely 50/50 on whether or not to fix our stuff, or "see" where it goes with this chick. I bared my soul and laid it ALL out there to her and after that, she still can't decide. That hurts, bad. 

 

At this point. It's time to man up. It is what it is. At the end of the day the bill collectors don't care bout yo' problems and you gotta get up and go to work, I got the sappy lovey stuff out the way turning into a babbling baby. She meets the chick tomorrow to discuss further, I have to get through this weekend because my son celebrates his 10th birthday and we have family driving up from GA. The impact this is going to have is going to be devastating, the least I can do is suck it up for him. After that, she has to decide. there is an ultimatum in place. This way I can make arrangements to transfer due to the WORST fact that we work for the same company and in my position I would have to interact with her. 

 

Because I'm sure you all finding this to be a fantastic story and I appreciate the fact that your heart goes out to me, I'm glad it was a chick and not a dude. For those wondering, I did try to bring up the whole 3-way thing because yolo? That didn't go in my favor but hey I tried to run with it! In some ways I found it to be.....how do I put this in the pg version.......interesting? With her to do it with a dude is easy to comprehend. With a chick is a whole different plane of emotions. The root thing is that she did what she did. Knowing her because she has always made these destructive type decisions before we got together, she will decide to pursue this. She will be in for a rude awakening then. 

 

I look at life like this. How can one really enjoy life without experiencing things like love, heartbreak, blissful infatuation, rage, envy, etc. It's weird because I took to heart Gus Bradley's message about just focusing on getting better everyday. By adopting that message and also living life uncomfortable is a life worth living, I was able to quickly work up into the position I am in and be that rock. I can use this the same way, I'll come out a better person for having experienced it. I thought I found the love of my life, the person I would have bled and died for. Maybe it's not meant to be though, and now I accept that. I accept the fact that this is just another challenge that life throws at you, you can either grab the brass ring or you can curl up in the fetal position as FBT famously says. 

 

Please forgive me if you have made it this far, I may or may not have partook in a few drinks to help numb the emotions. Don't worry, I'm not a violent person, sober or drunk. I wish I had more to say because I feel like I have to, but there isn't really anything to say. I will know what has been decided on Monday hopefully after our family leaves. From there I have potential transfer opportunities available, will need to figure out how to go through the process of separating everything, and move on to the next phase of my life. 

 

I'd be cool with J-ville if my company had an office there. But they don't and a 30 year old whose pursuing his Bachelors but no degree besides a GED due to the fact that I've sacrificed everything for this girl, will not get an ideal job to support myself and a kid. 

 

Ok from there I'm good to go, again I appreciate your support (even the "I'm a total dude and you got no cajones" posters that posted) and I'll be happy to share my progress from later on. 

 

Wow,....the outcome is sort of what I expected, but figured it would be with a male not a female....but nowadays, you not only have to worry about them cheating with other guys but now also women...smh....

 

 

 

 

What do you guys think? Should I fight for it? 

 

I wouldn't fight to keep her. (easy for me to say, I know,) but I wouldn't put up with that crap. Cheating is cheating. I'm not some sucker that lets them off the hook by saying its not cheating if its with another female. Its another loophole that they created (or tried to). 

 

I'd get yourself a good lawyer, cancel any joint credit cards, make sure she can't suck any more money from you and take your child and get the hell away from her as fast as you can. 

 

SHe's the one choosing this. Well, then she lies in the bed she made. 

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