Quote:Thanks again everyone. The thoughts and prayers mean more to me than you could know. The fact that so many of them have come from those whom I have had a falling out with in some form or fashion says a lot. I have had a lot of time to reflect on the past years of my life, and like I said before, losing friendships through my own doing does weigh on me, even if it's with people I have never met in person. Many of you I have met. Many of you I have not. That doesn't really change the rules of friendship, and I was guilty of breaking those rules. It's something I take ownership of, and live with though. The fact that so many of you are pulling for me is humbling.

 

I am healing up at home now. I still have a lot of medical appointments, and am being poked, prodded, and bothered way more than I like. I am on the tail end of "hell week" right now. For those who have never had a major surgery or high end pain killers, the ride is full of hills and valleys. I am "hopefully" almost done with my detox and withdrawal from the pain killers. I was on the hardest stuff that they could throw at me, and last Sunday, I took my last pain pill, following my discharge from the hospital. Monday came around, and it was time to pay the piper. I understand completely how athletes and people in general become hooked so easily on pain meds because the withdrawal is pure hell for some. I am one of those people. My best description of it is the flu on steroids, with a good healthy dose of schizophrenia mixed in. Yes, it's that bad. Muscle cramps, body aches, the constant desire to kill anyone within a mile of you. Tuesday I saw my surgeons, and after killing each of them in my mind a dozen times or so, I had a talk about what was happening. They offered me a prescription of a lesser pain killer to "step down" and make things better, but I decided not to do that as it would just draw things out longer. Most of the bad symptoms have dissipated since then except for a new one, insomnia. I literally don't sleep anymore. I may have slept 4 hours in the last 5 days. I'm losing my mind over lack of sleep, but my body won't do it. I simply cannot fall asleep anymore, and that really sucks. Monday, I am going to get a prescription for a sleep aid, and hope like hell that it works. I also need to find out if the weight loss I have had is normal. I have lost 35 pounds since I was admitted to the hospital. Not sure if that's normal or healthy. I still have 225 lbs left, so I'm safe from withering away, but I tried very hard dieting for several weeks and could not shed more than a few pounds, so the fact that I just shed 35 with doing essentially nothing is something I just don't understand. Enough about silly stuff though.

 

I have my full PET Bone scan this upcoming Thursday and will follow up with my doctors at Cancer Specialists of North Florida soon after. They are worried about other lesions that turned up on an MRI. That test will dictate any future treatments. I am also trying to schedule another surgery ASAP. I have had a minor shoulder problem, and need a cleanup of my rotator -cuff. Since I'm already healing up from this other mess, I figure I may as well get the surgery on my shoulder and be done with that in a 2 for 1 healing up deal.

 

On a personal level, I feel very different. I can't explain that, but I just do. I am really trying to take a new look at life and maybe put more of my time and energy into what's really important, and less time and energy into what's not. I think regardless of what happens to me health wise, I'll be better off for that.

 

The next 2 weeks will likely determine where I am medically, and what the future holds. I spend a lot of time preparing myself for that. Either way this goes, I need to be ready to face it, and hope to do at 100%, mentally, physically, and spiritually. No matter how it all shakes out, I want to try to go through it with some of the dignity I seemed to have lost over the past couple years. It's funny how that can happen when we're not really looking, but it does, and yes, it is a source of great regret. 

 

 That's about all I can add right now. I don't know much more about where I'm at medically, but I will update as I can.

 

Again, thanks to each and every one of you for your prayers and support. It means more to me than you could ever know.