I would like to announce my candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President. I'm not a registered Democrat, but neither is Bernie Sanders so that shouldn't be an issue. I believe that evil wins when good men do nothing, but I'm also a fan of watching the world burn from time to time. Depends how drunk I am. Right now, I'm sober (but that's changing as I go here), so I'm in a "watch the world burn" mood. I think that socialism is dumb and those who push ideas like the Green New Deal and Medicare for All are pandering for the votes of people who don't want to understand why what they're being sold is impossible. I believe that the economy should look like an Aventador but be as reliable as a Civic. Americans should be able to source their prescriptions from anywhere worldwide, and marijuana should be immediately legalized at all levels. I don't believe in giving handouts to American companies, and believe that it's time to put an end of offshore tax havens. If Walgreens doesn't want to pay income tax in the US, they can go [BLEEP] themselves right out of business. I think income tax should be eliminated and replaced with a 100% flat consumption tax on all goods and services as a fair, un-cheatable way of funding the government while saving a ton of money by reducing the IRS to a shell of itself. Our military spending is out of control, and it's out of control in the wrong areas. Stupid projects like the F-35 Joint Puke Fighter are being handed blank checks while the VA fights for pennies. If you want to fund the military, fund the damn military, but don't try to convince me that the F-16 is hopelessly unsalvageable while the 65-year-old B-52 is still soldiering on and will past its 100th birthday. I believe in the fundamental right to privacy in all things, and would seek to immediately end all government surveillance of American citizens, as well as de-funding the NSA. I believe in Supreme Court justices who will rely upon the Constitution, not force the Constitution to fit their own beliefs. I also like long walks on the beach, have a fondness for single-malt Highland Scotch, have not seen Endgame yet and support the death penalty only in cases involving someone spoiling it for me, and will most likely be seeing Detective Pikachu this weekend because Deadpool + my first RPG = the world we should all be so lucky as to have.

Vote for me, because I'm at least as qualified as half of these other nitwits, I'm bound to no man and no man's dollar, and at least you guys know what you're getting if I ascend to the throne.

Also, I support replacing the Oval Office desk and chair with an Iron Throne.

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