Today is a dark day in the produce aisle, as Chad Zucchini returns home after being sliced from the roster by the Jacksonville Jaguars.

 

"I gave it my all," said Zucchini, "but in the end, I found myself caught in a pickle. There was no way they were cutting the guys they had, so I was just a side dish, if you get my drift."

 

"I'm so proud of my boy," said Ginger Zucchini, the punter's mother. "He could have gotten caught up in the anger of his chopping, but instead, he's already hashed out a new opportunity."

 

Rather than sit around getting baked, as so many college grads who don't break into their dream job do, Zucchini has accepted a position as a graduate assistant at Rice University.

 

"We're looking forward to bringing Zucchini and Rice together," said the university's athletic director. "We expect that Chad will help our punters learn how to squash the competition. He's already coming together with our coaching staff like a cool salad, and we feel like we poached one from the competition with Chad's hiring."

 

But Zucchini hasn't written off his pro chances yet.


"The Jags told me that I'm raw, but hey, at least they didn't tell me that I was fried yet. I'm still hoping for another chance in the NFL. My first try ended with egg on my face, but if that chance ever comes again, I'm making an omelet out of it."

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