It's a good thing I made no new year resolutions for pretty much anything, but especially fitness. A bone spur has grown back on the acromial bone of my left shoulder which means I get to have surgery again. Subacromial decompression surgery and recovery is NOT fun. I had it done four years ago. I do not want another surgery but if I don't get this done I will have no range of motion in my shoulder and the spur will continue to shred my labrum and anything else it comes into contact with rendering my arm useless when it's all said and done. So this will make it four surgeries in five years and I swear every time I go under I come back with memory issues that are turning out to be not so short term. I get an MRI tomorrow and my follow-up with my ortho surgeon is Friday. Stupid MRI costs money and isn't necessary except insurance is requiring it. 

That on top of a lifetime recovery of having  3 inches removed from my sigmoid colon in 2018 and that surgery throwing me into menopause (because who knew major abdominal surgery could screw up your hormones? And when it happens to a woman my age it's not temporary, it can put her in menopause)..... I feel overwhelmed more often that not these days. I used to be so strong and capable of doing whatever needed to be done or whatever I wanted to do. I could go build houses, hike the mountains for hours with a full pack, rake my yard filling my truck bed over and over with leaves to take to the burn pit and light on fire, pull the tall ladder out and clean out the gutters on my house, tear it up at the gym on weights then go walk a five mile trail, etc. 

None of this happens now. It takes so much effort to do anything. Most of it is mental. Hormone crap can really jack you up mentally. I've always used physical activity to manage my anxiety and depression with pretty good success. Now that I can't even lift a bowl of soup with my left arm weight training is out of the question. I can go for a walk or get on the treadmill during cold or rainy weather but I cannot swing my arm or it's like Freddy Kruger with gigantic knives tearing through my muscle and soft tissue. It's hard to walk and not move your arm unless you strap it to your torso which may have to be what I resort to. 

I'm just so sick of this [BLEEP]. Thankfully my husband is very supportive and helps when he can but he works 12 hours night shift with a two hour roundtrip commute so he's not able to do a whole lot because he has to sleep some time. It's just hard to go from that girl who could and would get [BLEEP] done to the one who can hardly wash her own hair in the shower.

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