How does a train eat?


It goes chew chew

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How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A Brazillian

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If you ever get cold, stand in a corner a bit. They're usually around 90 degrees.

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I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with, but I've been tripping all day.

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A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?" The pirate growls "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

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What in the Wide Wide World of Sports is agoin' on here???

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?" The pirate growls "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

 

You cleaned that up just enough!!!!

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“It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.”
― Albert Camus

how do you know a blonde has been on the computer?

 

you see whiteout on the screen

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A guy is at a bar and looks over to see a pirate standing next to him. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye. He asks the pirate, "What happened to get all of this?"

 

"Arrgh. The peg leg is because a great white got me real leg when I fell overboard once, and the hook is because I lost me hand from an Englishman's cutlass while stormin' the decks of a man o' war."  

 

"What about the patch?"

 

"A seagull pooped in me eye, it did."

 

"You lost your eye because a bird pooped in it?"

 

"Aye", he uncomfortably responds. "It was the first day with me new hook."  

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?


A fsh.

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What in the Wide Wide World of Sports is agoin' on here???

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Do you have any bread?". The bartender answers no, but a few minutes later the duck asks the same question.


"I already told you, no, we don't have any bread". Still, a few minutes later, the duck, once again, asks for bread.


"Listen, duck, if you ask me one more time if we have bread, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!"


The duck asks "Do you have a hammer?"


"No"


"So, do you have any bread?"

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I once knew a girl as ugly as a duck

Not much to look at, but boy could she swim

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Why did the Hipster fall in the lake?

 

He was ice skating before it was cool.

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“An empty vessel makes the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the greatest babblers.”. - Plato

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

 

He said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

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80% of what I talk about is nonesense.. the other 25% is made up statistics...


 

What's the difference between a snowman and snowwoman?


Snowballs

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Why did the Hipster fall in the lake?

 

He was ice skating before it was cool.

I used this one on my wife tonight. She hates hipsters. I think I just scored some points. Thanks bro.

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What do you call a leper in a hot tub?


Porridge.

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How do you get a leper out of bed in the morning?


With a rake.

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What's got 10 letters and starts with GAS?

 

Automobile

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I still remember the words my Grandfather said before he kicked the bucket..

 

"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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80% of what I talk about is nonesense.. the other 25% is made up statistics...


 

Why do guys like dating a woman who's a Jaguars fan?

 

 

 

 

Because she never expects a ring.

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When you get into the endzone, act like you've been there before.