The purpose of this thread is to list the most vicious insult you've ever heard (no names please).... who knows, some of them may bring a chuckle or two to someone........

I'll Start.......

A girl once asked me if I wanted to kiss her while she was under the mistletoe.......

I replied that I didn't even want to kiss her while I was drunk!!!!!

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You know trouble is right around the corner when your best friend tells you to hold his beer!!

About 25 or so years ago, me and a couple of friends would go clubbin almost every weekend. One Saturday night, we were at Shades in OP, closing it down. A little bit after last call, the lights came on and they started kickin everyone out.. Well, being full of beer, shots and god knows what else, I needed to take a leak before we all piled up in the car and either head to Famous Amos or IHop..

So, I'm in the bathroom standing at the urinal, and this big dude in a cowboy hat walked up behind me, drunk as hell, and says at the top of his voice, "I DON'T THINK I LIKE YOU, I'M GONNA KICK YO [BLEEP] BOY!!"

Me, standing there, drunk with my junk in my hand, looking over my shoulder, seeing this "cowboy" getting ready to clock me lol

All of a sudden, one of my dudes was pissin a few urinals down and saw everything.. While ole Cowboy was getting ready to punch me in the face, my buddy cold clocked him. It knocked the cowboy hat off his head and he fell backwards, unconscious.

I did the only thing I could do, after he fell, I just turned to the right a little and pissed on his face lolol

I don't know if that's an insult or not.. Could be misdemeanor though lolol

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Winger reminded me of one.

We stopped at work at a gas station. One employee gets to the urinals. Another one came in a moment later and said “You know you’re committing a felony right now?” Other guy “huh”. First guy said “Grown man holding a little mans penis”.

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Winger reminded me of one. 

We stopped at work at a gas station.  One employee gets to the urinals.  Another one came in a moment later and said “You know you’re committing a felony right now?”  Other guy “huh”.  First guy said “Grown man holding a little mans penis”.

I'm stealing that one lolol

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Courtesy of Cheech and Chong, "Is that your head or did someone take a crap on your shoulders?" Always makes me laugh.

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I'm condescending. That means I talk down to you.

If I wanted any lip from you, I’d jiggle my zipper.

Used that on my wife.  She found it funny.  Now we use it on each other.  Pretty sure it may be from a movie I either forgot or was too drunk to remember

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If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.

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When you get into the endzone, act like you've been there before.

"Did your parents have any children who lived?!" - R Lee Ermy

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My fellow southpaw Mark Brunell will probably always be my favorite Jaguar.

It was a poem I read in a gas station bathroom stall in Tulsa, OK.

"Here I sit, muscles flexin, Just gave birth to another Texan"

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"Remember Red, Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."  - Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

From back in my Navy days. In a heated discussion one tells another, “[BLEEP] you and the horse you rode in on.”
The other guy, known for his wit, calmly replied, “That wasn’t a horse, it was your mother. And I wasn’t riding, I was mounted.”

The whole shop fell out.

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"Did your parents have any children who lived?!" - R Lee Ermy

Just link the whole FMJ boot camp montage.

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“An empty vessel makes the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the greatest babblers.”. - Plato

"Did your parents have any children who lived?!" - R Lee Ermy

Just link the whole FMJ boot camp montage.

Ask and you shall receive.  What’s funny is, if I’m not mistaken, R. Lee ad libbed a good portion of his role.  

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You know trouble is right around the corner when your best friend tells you to hold his beer!!

Xbox chat is toxic to say the least.  1000% guaranteed, losing team will have a gay or mom joke.  And none of them are original.  It’s pretty [BLEEP] sad.  People talk [BLEEP] and I don’t even get upset.  They had a premeditated “insult” original to no man on earth.  Suck it up, you lost, loser!

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Some lady snapped at me that she wasn't old......

I snapped back and said, Lady, you were a waitress at The Last Supper..........

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You know trouble is right around the corner when your best friend tells you to hold his beer!!

I was at a wedding once and I'm not saying the girl that got married was big but....... A friend of mine caught the garter belt.... he's using it to strap a cord of wood in the back of his Pickup truck........

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You know trouble is right around the corner when your best friend tells you to hold his beer!!

Fat jokes, lol....

He's so fat, when he sat around the house, he really sat around the house.

He's so fat, when they told him to haul [BLEEP], he had to make two trips.

Krispy Kreme donuts turns 86 this summer. Something their customers never have to worry about.

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"Remember Red, Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."  - Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

Fat jokes, lol....

He's so fat, when he sat around the house, he really sat around the house.

He's so fat, when they told him to haul [BLEEP], he had to make two trips.

Krispy Kreme donuts turns 86 this summer.  Something their customers never have to worry about.

...he's so fat that when he's at the bus stop the cops come around and say, "Alright guys, break it up."

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She is so fat that when she wears a Malcolm X jacket, helicopters try to land on her.

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Looking to troll? Don't bother, we supply our own.

 

 

She's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

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